I despise myself at times like this.  I used to be able to be there for others... I used to be able to help.  I used to be able to comfort and heal, at least to some extent.  But it's all gone now.  When the moments arise, and it seems as though someone is trying to depend on me, I freeze.  I completely lock up, falter; I'm completely useless.  I'm so afraid, and I hate being afraid, but when the chance comes along to conquer the fear, I hide.  And yelling at myself does no good.  Coaxing myself does no good.  I don't know who I am anymore if I can't return to who I was.  I don't know if I like me anymore now that I'm so different.  I feel so different inside... I can't explain it, but it's almost as if the last puzzle piece is either missing, or has been put into place.  Maybe I'm looking at it backwards.  Maybe the puzzle I've been working on all my life is finally complete.  Maybe this is just the way it will be from now on, no going back.  But is that really what I want?  Do I even have a choice?

I've always wanted to just be helpful.  I don't like to be a burden to anyone, or to bother anyone with my problems or by being a pain.  I like to make sure that everyone is ok, that they're happy and have everything they need.  I like to take care of others.  That's why I'm going crazy now.  I can't do any of that anymore, and it's driving me mad.  Everything that I've tried to be all my life, is now something that I can never even hope of becoming.

I'm lost.

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