Brad IMed me tonight.  He's one of my "ex-friends", if you didn't know (there are lots of entries about them, just go look if you really want to know).  I'm writing after the fact, so all the panicky-ness is gone out of me.  Now all that's left is the sleepiness, partly because all the panicking drained me, and partly because it's 2 a.m.  I... don't know what to say.  He just IMed me saying "I owe you a thank you and an I'm sorry" and I was like "uhhh... you do?" and in my mind I'm freaking out and my whole body is reacting by going into high defense mode.  Just like all those times before, when I would see any of them on campus.  But... yeah... this seriously fucks with my head.  He says he never 'hated me' which fucks with my head more.  I'm so confused and goddess-knows-what-else right now that rational thought is difficult, even though the shaky defense mode feeling is gone.  I don't know.  I guess I'll just post it all here.  If it bothers him (if he even knows about this journal), then he can just say something to me and I'll take it off.  Or something.  Yeah.  Sorry for not making much sense.

MaglockD: I owe you a thank you and an I'm sorry
Kasandora: uhh.... you do?
MaglockD: yes I do
Kasandora: uhm... but why? I fucked up.
Kasandora: and why are you saying this, where is it coming from? *is feeling very flustered*
MaglockD: because It allowed me to move on and grow and find out just how right you were about everyone

[other unimportant stuff is said]

MaglockD: since then I've learned a lot
Kasandora: do you still talk to any of them? I mean, Jess or Ana or the others?
MaglockD: jess and Jason once in a great while...Ana however hasn't even tried to find out my side of this whole thing
Kasandora: heh.
Kasandora: somehow that sounds so familiar.
Kasandora: can't quite place my finger on it. X.x
Kasandora: .........................
MaglockD: it sounds like what happened to you
Kasandora: a little.
Kasandora: though you still talk to Jess.
MaglockD: some what
Kasandora: well, you still... oh, never mind.
Kasandora: anyway... yeah.
Kasandora: so, what, you don't hate me anymore, I guess?
MaglockD: I never really, "hated you"
Kasandora: brain... can't... function. O.o
Kasandora: oh.
Kasandora: ok.
Kasandora: *shrugs* I just assumed. wrong to assume, I know, ass out of u and me and all that.
MaglockD: it is ok
Kasandora: is it?
Kasandora: : (
MaglockD: we all make mistakes we are human after all
Kasandora: maybe.
Kasandora: but i hate myself.
MaglockD: for what? repairing what was broken between you and angelo... I can't hold that against you
Kasandora: no, I hate myself for everything.
Kasandora: for everything that happened between you and me, me and jess, between all of us. everything got so f-ed up, and I've always just blamed myself cause I'm always screwing something up.
MaglockD: don't I'm in a relationship and I'm happy...
Kasandora: and everything that had been so important to me was just gone in, like, a day, and I never got it back and I never will and I'll never be the same and I'll never forget and I'll never forgive myself.
Kasandora: that's a good thing. : )
MaglockD: but I can forgive yuo
MaglockD: you even
Kasandora: i don't deserve it.
MaglockD: Becky you do deserve it
Kasandora: well, you're the only one who thinks so.
MaglockD: I don't think I'm the only one what about Angelo?
Kasandora: he doesn't count, cause he doesn't even think anything was my fault in the first place. ^^;;
Kasandora: i tried to explain to him, but he can be stubborn.
MaglockD: did you ever hear the saying hind site is 20/20.... The others just don't want to look at the past they want to ignore it
Kasandora: heh... yeah, I know the saying.

[long pause as I sit there pondering]

Kasandora: hey, Brad?
MaglockD: if you only knew how many times I threatened to pull out of the comic...Yes?
Kasandora: I'm sorry too.
MaglockD: I figured you were
Kasandora: I wish I could have said so many things back then, but I was too afraid. guess I learned some things too.
MaglockD: I need to go and get some sleep I have work tomorrow
Kasandora: ok
MaglockD: night
Kasandora: Thanks for the IM
Kasandora: good night
MaglockD: your welcome
MaglockD signed off at 1:59:55 AM.

i feel so utterly and hopelessly depressed.  : (

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