... i fucked up.  i have totally fucked up my life.  have done stupid things, have committed horrendous acts, have hurt so many people.  and no matter what i do, i can't get past those things.  brad has apologized to me, even told me i was right; i have apologized to him, have apologized to jess, have apologized to daniel.  all have basically said "ok, let's talk again" and so now we do.  but.... i can't forgive myself.  i still hate myself for all the things i've done.  still despise myself for all of my mistakes.  and i know that i can't be perfect, and i know that it's stupid and pointless to try to be perfect, but i just can't stop myself from wanting to be.  i just can't figure out how to stop feeling/thinking that way.

i need a new brain.  that's the only plausible solution.

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