There is a story being written as I type, and as you read, and even while we're doing neither of these things.  There is a story I want to tell.  But the words are all feelings, swirling and twisting and leaping and playing all through me, and feelings can't be put to words so easily.  You could watch a ballet, and say that there was dancing.  That there was elegant dancing.  Elegant, beautiful, spectacular dancing, but does that really tell you anything at all?  If you had been there to see that dancing, could you ever have really been able to describe it?  Would you still remember it to this day?  I'm the kind of person who would still remember.

And so, too, I remember so many things.  Not as events, or times or places, but as feelings.  As emotions, as colors.  I remember crying at the piano when I finally got over the shock of hearing that my parents were getting divorced.  I remember hundreds of things that are flooding my mind right now; too many to write here.  I try my best to remember the happy, but the sad is so much more prominent somehow.  When I look back, I can see all the lowest points of my life.  I think it's funny that each time I would think "it can't get any worse than this. if you can just get through this, becky, then things will be ok. just one more day."  and then, somehow I would get through it, and then BAM, something so much more painful would happen.  And right now, in my life, I'm just waiting for that next painful thing.  I'm still enjoying my days, and still feel grateful for all I have right now, but I'm just waiting for something else to come along and hurt me, because I know it will.  High school was a living nightmare, and just when I was about to make it through that, my sister tried to kill herself and my parents got divorced.  and then a year later, she tries it again.  and then things were slowly getting better; i had to transfer colleges because of cost, so I was sad at leaving my friends, but then I was happy because I made new friends at Edinboro.  And then things were good for about a year and a half, and then there was a misunderstanding and a huge fight and now, 3 years later, I'm finally feeling ok over losing everything.  Now I don't dream about them anymore, or think about them constantly.  And I do have other friends from Edinboro who I still see, and I'm living with Angelo, so that is the good thing that I am experiencing at the moment.

But from where I'm standing now, what I think most often is, "what the hell is wrong with me?"  For all the things I've been through, it feels as if I've learned nothing.  Things that were my fault have gone unacknowledged and I have not apologized to so many people for so many things I have done.  And when these things keep happening, how can I not wonder if it really has been all my fault all along?

So now... after all these years, I've finally succeeded in locking my heart away, for my own protection.  But now that it's done, I want it back.  I want to be 'me' again.  I just... I just don't feel right.  I want to go back to before it all started.

The truth behind it all is, I don't know who I am anymore.  I can't find my way.  Night is falling as I travel through this dense forest, and the fog is thick at my feet.  I spin around in circles, looking all around me for something - anything - but I am alone here.  The silence holds something of a comforting aura, but at the same time, the darkness is so oppressing.  With no light to guide me, and fear paralyzing my senses, there is no hope for me at all.  I stumble to the nearest tree, and slump to the ground, trembling.

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