There is a story being written as I type, and as you read, and even while we're doing neither of these things.� There is a story I want to tell.� But the words are all feelings, swirling and twisting and leaping and playing all through me, and feelings can't be put to words so easily.� You could watch a ballet, and say that there was dancing.� That there was elegant dancing.� Elegant, beautiful, spectacular dancing, but does that really tell you anything at all?� If you had been there to see that dancing, could you ever have really been able to describe it?� Would you still remember it to this day?� I'm the kind of person who would still remember.

And so, too, I remember so many things.� Not as events, or times or places, but as feelings.� As emotions, as colors.� I remember crying at the piano when I finally got over the shock of hearing that my parents were getting divorced.� I remember hundreds of things that are flooding my mind right now; too many to write here.� I try my best to remember the happy, but the sad is so much more prominent somehow.� When I look back, I can see all the lowest points of my life.� I think it's funny that each time I would think "it can't get any worse than this. if you can just get through this, becky, then things will be ok. just one more day."� and then, somehow I would get through it, and then BAM, something so much more painful would happen.� And right now, in my life, I'm just waiting for that next painful thing.� I'm still enjoying my days, and still feel grateful for all I have right now, but I'm just waiting for something else to come along and hurt me, because I know it will.� High school was a living nightmare, and just when I was about to make it through that, my sister tried to kill herself and my parents got divorced.� and then a year later, she tries it again.� and then things were slowly getting better; i had to transfer colleges because of cost, so I was sad at leaving my friends, but then I was happy because I made new friends at Edinboro.� And then things were good for about a year and a half, and then there was a misunderstanding and a huge fight and now, 3 years later, I'm finally feeling ok over losing everything.� Now I don't dream about them anymore, or think about them constantly.� And I do have other friends from Edinboro who I still see, and I'm living with Angelo, so that is the good thing that I am experiencing at the moment.

But from where I'm standing now, what I think most often is, "what the hell is wrong with me?"� For all the things I've been through, it feels as if I've learned nothing.� Things that were my fault have gone unacknowledged and I have not apologized to so many people for so many things I have done.� And when these things keep happening, how can I not wonder if it really has been all my fault all along?

So now... after all these years, I've finally succeeded in locking my heart away, for my own protection.� But now that it's done, I want it back.� I want to be 'me' again.� I just... I just don't feel right.� I want to go back to before it all started.

The truth behind it all is, I don't know who I am anymore.� I can't find my way.  Night is falling as I travel through this dense forest, and the fog is thick at my feet.� I spin around in circles, looking all around me for something - anything - but I am alone here.� The silence holds something of a comforting aura, but at the same time, the darkness is so oppressing.� With no light to guide me, and fear paralyzing my senses, there is no hope for me at all.� I stumble to the nearest tree, and slump to the ground, trembling.

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